Don't tell me what to do!

Demand Avoidance - Let's talk about it

You know that feeling?

The one that rises up inside the moment someone asks you— or worse, tells you — to do something?

It’s a full-body “nope.”

A tightening.

A flare. A

sudden urge to resist, rebel, or dramatically flop onto the nearest couch like a Victorian child with the vapors.

“Don’t tell me what to do!”

Sometimes it makes no sense at all.It might be something you already planned to do.Something you wanted to do.Something that aligns perfectly with your values, goals, and carefully curated vision board.

And yet… the resistance arrives anyway.

If you’re nodding along, welcome.If you’re not, well — this post probably isn’t for you 😉

A very human story

Picture this.

You wake up feeling motivated. Grounded. Capable.You think, Today’s a great day to go for a walk.

Ten minutes later someone says,“Hey, you should really go for a walk today.”

Suddenly the walk is dead to you.Buried. Gone. Never happening.You will now be sitting firmly in defiance, drinking your coffee with purpose.

Why?

Because something subtle but important just shifted:choice turned into demand.

What is demand avoidance, really?

Demand avoidance isn’t laziness. It isn’t immaturity. It isn’t being “difficult.”

At its core, demand avoidance is a nervous system response.

When something is perceived as a demand — even a gentle one — the body can interpret it as a loss of autonomy, control, or safety. The system responds the way it knows how: resistance, avoidance, shutdown, humor, distraction, or outright refusal.

And here’s the key part many people miss:

Demand avoidance can show up even when there is no external pressure at all.

Internal demands count too. Expectations. Schedules. “I should.” The voice in your head with a clipboard and a whistle.

“But I’m an adult…”

Yes. And so is your nervous system.

Demand avoidance shows up in kids, teens, and adults.It can appear in neurodivergent folks (especially those with PDA profiles), but also in highly sensitive people, trauma-informed bodies, creatives, helpers, caregivers, and anyone who has spent a long time overriding their own needs.

If your system learned early that demands = pressure, punishment, or loss of agency…resistance can become a form of self-protection.

Not rebellion.Protection.

The paradox (and the humor)

Here’s the funny part.

Many people with demand avoidance are:

• deeply caring

• highly conscientious

• internally motivated

• capable of great responsibility

They just don’t want to be told.

They want choice, collaboration, and sovereignty.

Tell them they must do something and the inner toddler shows up with crossed arms and impressive stamina.

Invite them?

Offer options?

Leave space?

Suddenly… magic.

This isn’t a mindset problem

This is important.

Demand avoidance isn’t something you “think your way out of.”It’s not solved by forcing more discipline, productivity hacks, or self-lectures.

This is about safety and regulation, not willpower.

When the nervous system feels:

• respected

• unpressured

• resourced

• in choice

The resistance often softens on its own.

Not because it was defeated —but because it was no longer needed.

A gentle reframe

Instead of asking: “What’s wrong with me?”

Try: “What does my system need in order to feel safe enough to engage?”

Instead of: “I should do this.”

Try: “What would make this feel like a choice again?”

Small language shifts matter. Tone matters. Timing matters.

And so does self-compassion.

Final thoughts (no demands here)

If you recognize yourself in this, you’re not broken. You’re responsive. Aware. Protective of your autonomy.

And when met with understanding rather than pressure, that same system often becomes incredibly creative, devoted, and aligned.

No forcing required.

You don’t need to do anything with this information. You don’t need to fix yourself. You don’t even need to finish this article if you don’t want to.

(But if you did… it was your choice 😉)

More to come — only if and when you’re ready.